Recovery Milestones

As the year goes on, there are lots of little dates to look forward to. Or in my case dread with anxious anticipation.
I dreaded Mother's Day, dreaded Christmas and Easter, dreaded each month that would pass. And now I'm dreading Father's Day. Last year, Father's Day was a very exciting time for us, this year, Jeff actually really is a dad, and William isn't here.

So some of the things that really helped along the way dreading these days, were things to look forward to, like designing William's gravestone. I loved being able to do something that feels like a gift to him, something to make the place where we can go to remember him, where his physical body is, a more pleasant place, a meaningful place.

The designing process started back in February, and the stone was delivered just last week, right in time for Memorial day.

The dinosaur is meaningful, it is a similar dinosaur to the one William had on his name plaque at the hospital. The dinosaur was a recurring theme, at my brother and sister in law's wedding last year, we had a little green dino named Edgar who completed our wedding performance ensemble (we weren't really hinting at expecting at the time, but we also were). Then when we saw his name plaque, his dino decoration looked just like Edgar! So this is just Edgar's little brother keeping him company :)

I'm so relieved that this milestone is now passed. I can touch the stone and feel more freedom to leave flowers or whatever else there. I feel less dread going to visit that little place because it's more complete, and while that chapter will never really close, it feels more concluded.

This summer will be difficult, because I'm going to remember how last summer was for me, in and out of the hospital more times than I can remember, each time afraid that we were miscarrying. So at least knowing that in advance, I'm more prepared to acknowledge that those feelings will be there, need to be felt and I have hope that God will keep me from falling back into the dark pit I was in at the beginning of the year.

I'm so grateful for our family and friends' support, support of mentors and counselors, finding my way back into exercise and my exercise buddies near and far! And actually feeling joy again!