The healing process is slow. I (Melissa) have been doing my fair share of talking and processing, crying and lots of ignoring of what is now our reality since my last post. It feels really strange to have to get back into a routine that doesn't involve William, not going to the hospital, but also feeling like I'm floating around at home. It's hard to be at home where a lot of our memories are. Thankfully, this past weekend I got to travel out of the city with Jeff and I didn't really have any associations with William for where we were in Dubuque, Iowa. I got to spend some quality time hiking in nature, exercising and spending some time in my head in a good way. It was nice to spend time with people who didn't talk to us about William, unless we brought him up. Since my routine is nonexistent at home, it didn't matter that I haven't established one when we were away! Plus, I felt useful helping Jeff get to rehearsal, or however he needed assistance, haha!
I have mixed feelings about Thanksgiving. We'll be headed to the cemetery for the first time since the burial, seeing family and processing whatever expectations we developed about that holiday this year... we kind of missed not stopping by while we were out that general direction, but also agreed that it wouldn't make sense. I guess I feel that in this case it may have been nice to go against what "makes sense". I'll have to think about that.
We're still slowly working our way through cards that we've received.
I've got the ball rolling a little more with follow-up mental health care for me, and I am also expecting some more tests for myself that might give us more information for future pregnancies. My follow-up appointment last week confirmed that I'm on the right track physically for now, and I'm glad they were also checking my mental health and what resources I was aware of.
What stung a little today was starting the healthcare application and stating that we are going to file taxes claiming a dependent, but that we won't be applying for his health insurance...
I ask for continued prayers of healing for Jeff and myself, especially with the holiday season beginning this week. I pray that we will be able to experience peace and joy amidst the other feelings we will have.
Also, thanks for the continued prayers!
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
William Keeps Giving
Today we went to the Mother's Milk Bank of the Western Great Lakes to donate some of William's milk.
I weaned myself last week and had a bunch in the freezer that we hadn't delivered to the hospital. It was hard for us to go over there, but good. It felt good to see how William will continue to impact the world. Either through helping other Preemie babies and families by the milk donation, or by research that will be done on his milk that will continue to change Preemie protocol in health care.
This milk bank hasn't been around for too long, so I'm so glad it's an available resource to us. Plus, Jeff and I are relieved that William's milk won't have to go to waste (remember when I spilled the first full bottle of milk I pumped and cried for an hour afterward?).
Eventually, William's name will be memorialized on their Milky Way wall, as a baby whose milk helped other children.
The organization seems pretty cool, and the ladies over there were super nice.
In other news... we got our hands on a "W" car flag, so we flew that for a while on our car yesterday. Then we took it down because it made too many distracting noises while we were on the interstate...
We're flying the W in our apartment now and pass underneath it whenever we go into our living room.
I have been able to take some solid walks over the last few days, and I'm hoping to physically get back into shape by doing some yoga.
I tried my hand at playing violin a little bit for the first time yesterday at church. It felt REALLY weird to hold it. I haven't played since August sometime, so I'm also glad that my equipment is still in good working order.
My other crowning achievements of late include grocery shopping and cooking the occasional meal. And as helpful as it is to pour out my heart to the world via blog, I'm working on setting up grief counseling for myself.
Thank you to everyone who has continued to send prayers our way, and also for flowers and cards. We have trouble facing the cards every day, but are slowly working our way through them.
I weaned myself last week and had a bunch in the freezer that we hadn't delivered to the hospital. It was hard for us to go over there, but good. It felt good to see how William will continue to impact the world. Either through helping other Preemie babies and families by the milk donation, or by research that will be done on his milk that will continue to change Preemie protocol in health care.
This milk bank hasn't been around for too long, so I'm so glad it's an available resource to us. Plus, Jeff and I are relieved that William's milk won't have to go to waste (remember when I spilled the first full bottle of milk I pumped and cried for an hour afterward?).
Eventually, William's name will be memorialized on their Milky Way wall, as a baby whose milk helped other children.
The organization seems pretty cool, and the ladies over there were super nice.
In other news... we got our hands on a "W" car flag, so we flew that for a while on our car yesterday. Then we took it down because it made too many distracting noises while we were on the interstate...
We're flying the W in our apartment now and pass underneath it whenever we go into our living room.
I have been able to take some solid walks over the last few days, and I'm hoping to physically get back into shape by doing some yoga.
I tried my hand at playing violin a little bit for the first time yesterday at church. It felt REALLY weird to hold it. I haven't played since August sometime, so I'm also glad that my equipment is still in good working order.
My other crowning achievements of late include grocery shopping and cooking the occasional meal. And as helpful as it is to pour out my heart to the world via blog, I'm working on setting up grief counseling for myself.
Thank you to everyone who has continued to send prayers our way, and also for flowers and cards. We have trouble facing the cards every day, but are slowly working our way through them.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Final Resting Place
Yesterday, November 1, on All Souls Day, we buried our son William Elliot Padgett at Chapel Hill Memorial Gardens in Dixon, IL. He is in the same cemetery as his uncle Michael Allen Padgett and his great grandparents Padgett and Pacileo.
Close family attended the burial and graveside service.
Jeff and I drove out to Dixon on Monday to make sure we were happy with our decision to have William's final resting place be in Dixon at Chapel Hill. We ended up making a lot of decisions regarding the service while driving, looking up scripture, figuring out what parts are even supposed to be part of the graveside service.
We had initially wanted to wait longer for the burial, to have more time to organize it and give people a chance to come, and at first we also didn't understand that the end of life process can be accelerated for preemies (meaning there's a rush to get them into the ground).
So.... we changed our plans and changed our plans again (thanks, family for being so incredibly accommodating and understanding) and settled on yesterday, Tuesday, because it was going to be a beautiful day instead of a stormy day. And it was absolutely beautiful yesterday. We wanted to do something nice and special for William, and I think we were able to do that with the help of our families.
Before the burial, when Jeff and I arrived to sign some final paperwork, the funeral director offered us a surprise. She had previously cautioned us and prepared us for not looking at William, in case he didn't look good. When we got there, she said something to the effect of: I can with good conscience encourage you to see him one last time, if you like.
This was probably the best part of our day, even though it was one of the hardest parts. We got to hold William, being ready to part ways with his physical body. We got to say goodbye when we were ready to say goodbye.
We were able to place the picture of ourselves where we wanted it to be in his casket, place the coin with part of Psalm 23 near his heart, and have the Teddy Bear that came with the casket give William a big fat bear hug.
We were able to give him a kiss on the forehead.
We asked the pastor from Jeff's parent's church to lead the service, because we figured we'd all be too emotional to do that ourselves (and right, we were). His message really touched all of us, and I am continually amazed by how William touched so many lives and how many people love him, who have never even met him! We also had a time where our families could share any memories or thoughts they wanted to share. It was really meaningful to hear what everyone had to say. It was good to hear that Jeff and I are now parents. That will always be part of our identity from now on.
We all sang the Psalm 23 song as a group that Jeff and I sang to William before he died. After the Prayer of Committal, we all placed a rose by William.
I created a little poster with some pictures of William and of us as a family, that we put up as well.
After everyone had left, Jeff lowered William into the ground with help of the groundskeeper, and then he filled William's grave. We were very glad they gave us the opportunity to do that for William (apparently that's not a thing). Hard as it was.
Post burial, Jeff's parents hosted lunch and it was nice enough outside for us to spend a lot of the afternoon in the backyard.
Jeff has been better than me communicating and responding to people, I'm still working on it. I prefer to interact with people in person right now, I guess and it changes from day to day whether I'm ok talking or need space. It's hard to relive William's passing and the events afterward, and having to say that out loud. Saying it makes it more real. I don't really know how I feel right now. We've been very busy, and focusing on making William's burial nice for him has taken up a lot of brain space. That brain space is now looking for something else and I'm starting to feel the emptiness creep in. There are a few more projects I can focus on, with updates to follow...
Close family attended the burial and graveside service.
We had initially wanted to wait longer for the burial, to have more time to organize it and give people a chance to come, and at first we also didn't understand that the end of life process can be accelerated for preemies (meaning there's a rush to get them into the ground).
So.... we changed our plans and changed our plans again (thanks, family for being so incredibly accommodating and understanding) and settled on yesterday, Tuesday, because it was going to be a beautiful day instead of a stormy day. And it was absolutely beautiful yesterday. We wanted to do something nice and special for William, and I think we were able to do that with the help of our families.
Before the burial, when Jeff and I arrived to sign some final paperwork, the funeral director offered us a surprise. She had previously cautioned us and prepared us for not looking at William, in case he didn't look good. When we got there, she said something to the effect of: I can with good conscience encourage you to see him one last time, if you like.
This was probably the best part of our day, even though it was one of the hardest parts. We got to hold William, being ready to part ways with his physical body. We got to say goodbye when we were ready to say goodbye.
We were able to place the picture of ourselves where we wanted it to be in his casket, place the coin with part of Psalm 23 near his heart, and have the Teddy Bear that came with the casket give William a big fat bear hug.
We were able to give him a kiss on the forehead.
We asked the pastor from Jeff's parent's church to lead the service, because we figured we'd all be too emotional to do that ourselves (and right, we were). His message really touched all of us, and I am continually amazed by how William touched so many lives and how many people love him, who have never even met him! We also had a time where our families could share any memories or thoughts they wanted to share. It was really meaningful to hear what everyone had to say. It was good to hear that Jeff and I are now parents. That will always be part of our identity from now on.
We all sang the Psalm 23 song as a group that Jeff and I sang to William before he died. After the Prayer of Committal, we all placed a rose by William.
I created a little poster with some pictures of William and of us as a family, that we put up as well.
After everyone had left, Jeff lowered William into the ground with help of the groundskeeper, and then he filled William's grave. We were very glad they gave us the opportunity to do that for William (apparently that's not a thing). Hard as it was.
Post burial, Jeff's parents hosted lunch and it was nice enough outside for us to spend a lot of the afternoon in the backyard.
Jeff has been better than me communicating and responding to people, I'm still working on it. I prefer to interact with people in person right now, I guess and it changes from day to day whether I'm ok talking or need space. It's hard to relive William's passing and the events afterward, and having to say that out loud. Saying it makes it more real. I don't really know how I feel right now. We've been very busy, and focusing on making William's burial nice for him has taken up a lot of brain space. That brain space is now looking for something else and I'm starting to feel the emptiness creep in. There are a few more projects I can focus on, with updates to follow...
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